REVIEW: EUCALYPTUS MINT SOAP BY BATH & BODY WORKS
Dear Bath & Body Works,
Go ahead and take a well-deserved rest, cuz you have fuckin NAILED IT with ‘Eucalyptus Mint.’ At first I thought it seemed like a weird combo, but then I smelled it and almost swallowed my brain.
There will NEVER be another soap that smells as good as that. Not by YOU, not by ANYONE. Stop making all the other flavors, even. Just stick with the EM. Don’t worry, that shit will carry you.
Immediately fire any workers that make soaps that smell like any other shit that is not eucalyptus or mint, and use the money you would’ve paid them for their worthless efforts to make more Eucalyptus Mint soap.
Sincerely,
Ben Jensen
PS: Since trying Eucalyptus Mint for the first time, any other soap feels like napalm to me. NOT SHITTY
— BEN JENSEN
REVIEW: PREGNANCY SCARES - demo cassette (self-released, Ottawa)
(Written by Ben Jensen)
If you have such low self-esteem that getting a good review in STANDARD ISSUE is something that matters to you, try to record something that sounds just like this PREGNANCY SCARES tape and direct it to my attention, cuz this is exactly my shit.
On this tape (their first release), the four Ottawa veterans that make up PREG SCARES bring us nine ear-punishing, fast-and-pissed hardcore bangers (average song length: 45 seconds-ish). This is like DAS OATH meets BORN AGAINST meets crustier shit (MANIPULATION comes to mind, right down to the mouthful-of-acid-and-fangs vocals) meets that running drill you used to do in gym class where you run to one line and back, then the next line and back, and on and on til someone barfs or faints.
This is fast, heavy and chaotic, but it’s got enough interesting shit (and even some surprisingly hooky guitar bits) thrown in that you can tell the songs apart even though they’re crashing right into each other like a buncha kids at a PREG SCARES show. The momentum on this shit could power a war. NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: It’s some creepy, manipulated black and white photo of some intense old lady. Good enough. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
![REVIEW: INDIAN WARS - TAKE A WALK LP (Bachelor, Austria)
Four white dudes dressed like Indians* singing like cowboys. Sounds like a dick way to open a review to a record I hated (and, to be fair, that’s probably also how I’d start it if I DID hate it), but nope, this is actually really really totally rad.
If you like your garage a la Dylan or THE STONES at their Americana-est, you’d be a butthead not to pick this one up. Vancouver’s INDIAN WARS are slingin 11 killer country/bluegrass tracks that’re a mixed bag of gothic slow-burners and howling rippers, complete with piano, fiddle and harmonica.
A solid release without a weak track in sight, this LP’s highly recommended for fans of STRANGE BOYS, DEMON’S CLAWS and early-BLACK LIPS (their name even fits the ‘adjective-plural noun’ formula of those other bands to make it easy for you).
[*EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah, white dudes dressing as Natives is offensive — we get it. But, even though the Indian Wars guys totally shouldn’t be doing that, they aren’t racist and MEAN no harm by it, so we’re just gonna focus on the music, cuz that’s what this review’s about. Fuck, I hate having to make an editor’s note like that… — Ed.] NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: Whoa! Gatefold LP. And they made good use of that extra real-estate the gatefold provides: open this bad boy up for a nude photo of the band! If that doesn’t merit a ‘not shitty,’ I don’t wanna know what DOES. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4dq3cJNpm1r5dkw4o1_500.jpg)
REVIEW: INDIAN WARS - TAKE A WALK LP (Bachelor, Austria)
Four white dudes dressed like Indians* singing like cowboys. Sounds like a dick way to open a review to a record I hated (and, to be fair, that’s probably also how I’d start it if I DID hate it), but nope, this is actually really really totally rad.
If you like your garage a la Dylan or THE STONES at their Americana-est, you’d be a butthead not to pick this one up. Vancouver’s INDIAN WARS are slingin 11 killer country/bluegrass tracks that’re a mixed bag of gothic slow-burners and howling rippers, complete with piano, fiddle and harmonica.
A solid release without a weak track in sight, this LP’s highly recommended for fans of STRANGE BOYS, DEMON’S CLAWS and early-BLACK LIPS (their name even fits the ‘adjective-plural noun’ formula of those other bands to make it easy for you).
[*EDITOR’S NOTE: Yeah, white dudes dressing as Natives is offensive — we get it. But, even though the Indian Wars guys totally shouldn’t be doing that, they aren’t racist and MEAN no harm by it, so we’re just gonna focus on the music, cuz that’s what this review’s about. Fuck, I hate having to make an editor’s note like that… — Ed.] NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: Whoa! Gatefold LP. And they made good use of that extra real-estate the gatefold provides: open this bad boy up for a nude photo of the band! If that doesn’t merit a ‘not shitty,’ I don’t wanna know what DOES. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
REVIEW: THE SHIRKS - CRY, CRY, CRY 7” (Grave Mistake, Richmond VA)
Oh shit! These guys are comin in hot with three tracks of primal proto-punk mixed with raw garage, and they pull it off with menace and swagger for days. It’s got the pummeling, gut-rumbling low end of THE STOOGES’ rhythm section, then it rattles off some dirty rock n roll riffs just like THE REATARDS or TEENGENERATE would go for. There’s even a party element to it that kinda walks a MEAN JEANS line. Then you’ve got a marble-mouthed singer who sounds just bored, angry, and snotty enough to pull the whole thing together.
If you like to do bad shit while you party, these three tracks are your new party bangers. NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: It’s a pen-and-ink drawing of a scumbaggy-lookin guy (wispy dirt ‘stache, greasy hair, crooked sunglasses, thrift store collared shirt — he’s basically what YOU probably look like, actually) awkwardly holding up a chihuaha. I would’ve liked some liner notes (GM didn’t include a press sheet either, so I know NOTHING about these guys), but the art itself fits the album perfectly and is awesome. It was done by some chick named Laura (that was one of the only bits of info on the jacket). Good job, Laura. Good job, SHIRKS. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
REVIEW: HANGING OUT AT KEN AND TODD’S
Are you offended by the wretched sight of male genitalia aged 25-30 years? Then perhaps this cobra basket is not for you. It will happen! Whether during a feat of athleticism gone wrong, on the proving grounds of a ‘not gay competition’ or some dude just decided that those balls could use a drink… you will see those balls!
If you’ve been to this circle jerk (and chances are if you’re reading the new SI in Ottawa you have; it usually takes place within a half hour after a show at Babylon ends) you’re probably familiar with the following: ugly tiny wieners; cheese theft/ crock pot garbage secrets; Think Toilet Is Bed Syndrome; find the hot dog!; Intimate conversations about Ken’s personal life that everyone can hear; diabetes blood tests; Mike and Barb leaving at just the right time; “‘Burrp’ We should totally jam!’”; dudes who aren’t aware that 40 is not that far away; ‘Salmoning’; Todd’s wine; conversations between single men and women in serious relationships that prove alcohol is hilarious; and general depression about one’s station in life. Doesn’t sound awesome? Wrong! Fuck you’re dumb, it’s the best! NOT SHITTY
A review of the artwork: Killer Rolling Stones mirror on living room wall, T-Rex poster in Ken’s room, Todd’s got all five seasons of the X-men cartoon on DVD and there’s a sweet poster of ‘The Sweet’. Do you even know what shitty means? NOT SHITTY
—TIM OSTLER
REVIEW: GERM ATTAK - FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN LP (Loud Punk, Albany)
WARNING: Finding out about an awesome band for the first time RIGHT AFTER they break up is a big slap in the dick, so if you wanna spare yourself that kinda heartache, DON’T check out this new GERM ATTAK LP unless you’re already a fan. Cuz, yeah, they’re awesome and they just broke up.
One of the reasons they called it a day after like seven years as a band (which is roughly 130 decades in punk years) is cuz they wanted to quit before they got shitty. Mission accomplished. This new and final LP rips as much as it tears, and slays twice as much as it does either of those things.
This is more killer UK82-style raw punk from Ottawa-Gatineau’s GERM ATTAK, delivered in their trademark as-accesible-as-you-can-possibly-get-without-being-any-less-than-way-punk style. I can listen to this LP over and over, and the only negative side effect is getting bummed out that this band doesn’t exist anymore. I had ‘Back’s Against The Wall’ (probably my favorite track on the album) going through my head when I was skateboarding the other day and I SWEAR it made me skate better.
Angry, vicious, fast, loud, insanely catchy, right to-the-point — classic GERM ATTAK. NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: I’m not a big fan of non-live band photos, but there’s always something so aesthetically awesome about two-man band photos, and that’s exactly what GERM ATTAK was while they recorded this (original two Jo and Will handled everything on the recording). So the back cover’s lookin pretty rad with Jo and Will in xeroxed b&w with the red track names printed over their faces. Maybe their egos weren’t big enough for it, but it probably would’ve made a cooler front cover than the skull they went with. Cool no-nonsense design, though. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
REVIEW: COKE BUST - DEGRADATION EP (Grave Mistake, Richmond VA)
DC HxC band COKE BUST have been around for a bit now, and here they are again with an EP of tough hardcore as fast, heavy and pissed off as a tank that’s been pushed off a cliff — and just as loud as the landing.
These four guys blast, shred, and yell their way through six short bursts of intense violent fury, shoving lyrics about the rat race, the drug trade, scene integrity and more through 100-mile-an-hour riffs, sharp tempo changes and satisfying breakdowns — every part is a mosh part. Kinda reminds me of TOTAL ABUSE on a stricter schedule.
My only complaint is, I’m pretty sure they could’ve fit every track on one side. FUCK FLIPPING. NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: Pretty standard hardcore album fare, but pulled off nicely. White-on-black printing on a gatefold cardboard sleeve. Decent liners, complete lyrics (which is pretty essential for any band who wants to be this fast and loud AND understood), and every photo of the band is a live shot. Front cover’s got a depression-era photo of men dressed in their suits to wait in the soup line. Works well with the ‘Degradation’ title. NOT SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
REVIEW: BASTARDATOR 2006-2009 CD (Dybbuk, ?)
I was definitely AWARE of BASTARDATOR when they were still around, but, listening to this posthumous discography, it’s painfully obvious I fully slept on this ridiculously awesome local (that means Ottawa, Canada) metal outfit. But, to be fair, when metal’s this evil and this rad, it’ll take more than just going to every show and buying and multiple-listening to every record on its release date to be able to say you didn’t sleep on it — you’d definitely have to carve BASTARDATOR’s name into your arm to claim Fully Aware Status.
In specific terms, BASTARDATOR sounds like the un-holy trinity of ’80s speed metal bands: METALLICA, MEGADETH and especially SLAYER (with other influences flung in there too — definitely hearing some MOTORHEAD-feeling elements). In more general terms, it’s the unofficial soundtrack to bad kids doing bad things everywhere, whether it’s in an out-of-town parents’ house, a Firebird, a parking lot, or a local cemetery.
There’s some sloppy bits in here, but nothing deal-breaking; all-in-all, the playing’s pretty fuckin tight, and these guys are SHREDDING.
Maybe it’s not too late to give these dudes’ hard work and talent the appreciation it deserved; pick up this discography and get shredded. Features members of GERM ATTAK and ASILE. NOT SHITTY
A review of the album’s artwork: Meh. The cover’s got a grainy photo of the band standing around with their instruments, and an overall quickie Photoshop job feel to it. It’s too bad, cuz I know they’ve had at least one totally epic album cover in their career: the painted Identify The Dead LP. Don’t judge this book by its cover. SHITTY
—BEN JENSEN
MONDAY, APRIL 16th, 2012
The Way Bad book is at the printer’s! 80 pages of scumbag drawings of skateboarding, punk rock, beer-drinking, pizza-eating, gnarly tattoos, bad words, and more is headed your way. There’s gonna be all your favorite (read: least hated) pieces from up on the Way Bad Tumblr, plus some stuff that’s exclusive to the book (including Bad Humans #3). There’s also a buncha notes written especially for the book on every piece in it.
Launch party next month! Details on that (it’s gonna be rad), and how to order coming soon! Find a coffee table in the trash and put this book on it, fool!
Also, keep an eye on these guys for more details (they’re puttin’ it out): permanent-sleep.tumblr.com
